PHOTO BY: L. Maxine Reams / Los Angeles Times

what to give the woman who has almost everything?  well, i’m giving something called Second 17.

here’s a bit that ms. b and her “favorite husband” did with bing crosby.

the whole thing is laugh-out-loud funny.

but at 17 seconds in, mr. b says “hello, baby” and ms. b says “hello, baby” back.

if your stomach flops, welcome to our tribe.

if ever there was something crying out to be extracted and turned into a ringtone, those few seconds are it.

no, really, it was. 

no, really.

anyway, ms. b and mike romanoff, too.

don’t know much about chaz bono, except that he used to be a she, and is getting crap about some crappy show called dancing with the stars, which i’ve never seen.

what i DO know, is a good mother when i see one.

cher has taken to her twitter account to show her unconditional love and support for her cub, as mothers apparently should do.  who knew?

this is an older screen shot, and she’s been updating it, so check her account out.

here’s hoping ms. b is all snug and secure.

might be nice if someone paddled over to the dakota with some cheetos and scotch.

just sayin’.

he said, “There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo.”

i think we can all agree that the zero should be lopped off of 50, and anyone over the age of 5 should be prohibited from wearing a Speedo.  if they’re male.

except… except…

(i love trotting this photo out…)

except…

yes, our friend, The Creature from the Black Speedo Department:

ms. b is not concerned with protecting her queen here, people.

here’s the 8/17 schedule. all times eastern.

6:00 am Bogart: The Untold Story (’96)

7:00 am Bullets or Ballots (’36)

8:30 am San Quentin (’37)

9:45 am King of the Underworld (’39)

11:00 am To Have and Have Not (’44)

12:45 pm The Big Sleep (’46)

2:45 pm High Sierra (’41)

4:30 pm They Drive by Night (’40)

6:15 pm In a Lonely Place (’50)

8:00 pm The Maltese Falcon (’41)

10:00 pm Sahara (’43)

12:00 am Beat the Devil (’54)

2:00 am The Caine Mutiny (’54)

4:15 am Tokyo Joe (’49)

uh, at least i think it’s her.  shame she didn’t keep her face.  it was a good one.

anyway, if you’ve already read these, move on people, there’s nothing to see here:

http://happymayberry.wordpress.com/2011/02/11/vf-article-bummer-take-1

http://happymayberry.wordpress.com/2011/02/28/vf-article-the-sequel

http://happymayberry.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/vf-article-take-addendum

again.

18 mil… give or take a mil.

built in 1939. 6 beds and 7.5 baths sprinkled among 8,368 square feet. 

ms. b hung out here.  mr. b? we do not know.

keep that popcorn poppin’… the entertainment value of watching this particular stepford talk her way into and through a downward spiral is unmatched.

From Stories My Father Told Me: Notes from “The Lyons Den” by Jeffrey Lyons:

Lauren Bacall’s response to whether she would curtsy to Prince Philip: “If he curtsies to me, I’ll curtsy to him. In this world, you get what you give.”

The Crib harkens back to a kinder, gentler time.  they don’t build gorgeous houses like this anymore.  yes, they tear them down and replace them with obscene monstrosities the color of sick salmon, but they don’t build them anymore.

from the rather nutso age in which we live, it’s amazing to think you could just walk up the driveway and knock on the door if you wanted to… no armed guards and razor wire. 

of course, back in the day, if you found an unbalanced, disheveled person wandering your property in the middle of the night, it was probably judy garland.  and who wouldn’t want that?

Elizabeth Taylor was finally… finally… brought down by her health issues (the only thing she had more of than diamonds and husbands) at the age of 79.  WTF?  79?  that’s just a kid in my circles.

The patron saint of Gayland, she was supportive of the community since back when Richard Simmons was knee-high to a grasshopper. 

Godspeed, goddess.

Delayed ‘Carmel’ pic wraps production
Indie pic underwent financing setback

By Dave McNary

Experience Media Studios has completed production on stalled indie drama “Carmel-by-the-Sea,” starring Lauren Bacall, Josh Hutcherson, Alfred Molina, Hayden Panettiere, Dina Eastwood, Billy Boyd and Alexandra Carl.
The indie pic had been set to begin shooting in Carmel, Calif., in early 2009 soon after casting Hutcherson in the lead role but funds ran out before the film could be completed.

Experience Media said Tuesday that it raised an additional round of funding, eliminating outstanding debt and obtaining the film and worldwide rights from its former owners.

Script, penned by Carlos de los Rios, focuses on a troubled 16-year-old boy, who wanders into Carmel, falls into the wrong crowd and becomes involved in art forgery. He’s befriended by a retired local artist who traces her career back to the early days of Carmel artists, writers and other creative types, all with skeletons in their closets.

Film’s direted by Lawrence Roeck and produced by Craig Comstock and Experience Media Studios CEO Michael-Ryan Fletchall. Experience said it completed the project by filming additional scenes, adding aerial photography, music and completing post-production in 12 weeks.

1) lay down your law. contractors are not unlike rude relatives: they show up at your house whenever they want and rarely have a healthy sense of boundaries. agree on a daily starting time with your workers, and tell them to call you if they are not going to be on time so that you aren’t left waiting and wondering.  don’t be shy about imposing guidelines… this isn’t a 7-11, it’s your home.

2) make a nest for yourself.  whether it be a little corner on the other side of the house or a room with a door you can shut, you’re going to need a refuge if you’ll be present during remodeling.  feather your nest with a comfortable chair, reading material, snacks, drinks, phone, etc. 

3) what the hell is this… Lawrence of Arabia?  the dust storms stirred up by construction are off-the-charts insidious.  fine white particulates become one with the air and make their way into everything, including your lungs or, even worse, your Dark Passage DVD.  buy a handful of thin plastic drop cloths and masking tape, and seal off every area and piece of furniture you can without impeding the construction process.

4) a house under construction is like a birdfeeder for busybodies.  funny thing we’ve noticed is that the neighbors who never improve their own households are the ones who take the keenest interest in the households of others.  we came home once while our house was being remodeled, to find a notoriously lazy neighbor wandering through our halls.  tell your contractor to monitor access.  and if your neighborhood busybody from hell happens to be your mail lady, take the mailbox off the wall and put it at the end of the driveway.

5) lock up your valuables.  your contractor may be trustworthy and accountable, but his or her subcontractors or laborers may not be.  jewelry (including anything kept in the bathroom), ipods, Ming vases etc. need to be put away in a non-construction zone.  remove any beloved artwork as well.

6)  speaking of valuables, corral your varmints.  don’t rely on anyone’s word that they will close doors or gates after themselves to keep your furkids safe.  if you have a room away from the sound that you can put them in, great.  if it has a locking door with a key you can keep in your pocket, even better, since workers may help themselves to the doors in your house in search of a bathroom.  Which brings us to another of life’s unpleasantries …

7) sweaty men are going to use your toilet.  visit your local warehouse store and wrap your lovin’  arms around the biggest box of Lysol wipes you can find.  use them liberally all over your bathroom and its fixtures at every day’s end.  this will help you sleep at night, or at least mitigate the nightmares about all things hairy and scary.

8 ) no one can resist an open bar. stock your fridge with caffeinated drinks and invite your workers to partake.  this really does jack them up and make them work faster.  But, then again, it also makes them use your bathroom more, so it’s a Catch-22.

9) embrace disaster.  chances are, the weather will mess the schedule up, the wrong parts will be ordered or shipped, people will get sick, things will get broken, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum.  as with everything else in life, if you can hang onto your sense of humor, you can get through damn near anything.

10) enjoy.  have faith:  the stress levels will come down again and the bank account will go up again.  eventually. 

And if you haven’t read her sister Allegra’s book, Love Child, get thee to Amazon.  It’s one of the few nonfic books that I wanted to possess after I read the library’s copy.  Her use of language is sublime, and she even manages to describe life with a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder in a poetic manner.

Further, pulling quotes from lower-than-tabloid sources just to get a reaction from someone is, well, snake’s belly territory.

Anyway, my take on some subjects in the article (and they’re probably all wrong because, yes, I’m Happy Shmappy):

You say abrasive, I say adorkable: Ms. B is a known quantity.  get outta the kitchen if you can’t stand the heat, people. Remember, the happiness in her adult life was so very front-loaded. It’s got to be hard to go through years and years after having your real deal snatched from you. Navigating through life with a cracked cardio sucks.

About her involvement with Sinasshat: shock is a gift your physical self gives you when you endure trauma, in order to mitigate pain. that’s the good part. the bad part is that it can suspend your emotional reality to a point where you lose your internal compass and make decisions that are diametrically opposed to what is good for you or what your core values are. that’s human. preying upon a devastated widow with two children, then shunning her because of your own lack of maturity and integrity? that’s inhuman.

Truman Capote: Truman Capote was a good writer. He also habitually made shit up to increase the value of his personal stock in the eyes of others. Mix in the reputation of the person who put the alleged Capote quote in his Bogart-Book-of-the-Month and you have a cowshit sandwich. Nuf sed.

Age difference: You know, sometimes your soulmate happens to be born 25 years before or after you are. That’s it. Suggesting her love for Mr. B was solely based on replacing her father is quite a reckless reduction of something infinitely unquantifiable.

Dolores Moran: get in line, you crazy, delusional kid: oh, lord! now every time I watch To Have and Have Not, I’m going to be laughing my ass off when she comes on screen.

About the Oscar: Ms. B joins a lonnnnnnng line of people who didn’t say what they wanted to say during their acceptance speech. Sam has always struck me as a happy, understanding soul who got the best of his grandmother’s genes. Doubt he’s as horribly upset as all that.

About “He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.” I’ve been biting my tongue on this subject for years and will try to continue to do so. but I will close with my own little observation:

Lauren Bacall has been wading around in her love for Humphrey Bogart for going on seven decades and still hasn’t found the edges of it.

The same would undoubtedly be said of him had their fates been reversed and he was here and she was not.

What a delicious tonic for the often cynical, transient world in which we live.

Ms. B and all of her children should be proud.

 but what do i know?

I think I’ll rename myself Happy Shmappy.

more thoughts to come.  but remember, i don’t have a brain because i’m happy, so they may not bee two guud ore intiligunt. 

love that woman.

or… just eat your heart out like the rest of us lil peeps.

here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/12/arts/music/12whiting.html?_r=2&hp

really… mr. b in his polo shirt and italian slippers… what person of the marrying kind wouldn’t want to have this person hanging out with them 24/7?

and was there ever a cuter kid than miss leslie bogart?  methinks not.

(and don’t get me started on the gorgeous hardware on the sliders).

anyway, if you’re handy with an eraser, or if you’re a net-savvy marsupial, here’s your golden opp.

“NEW YORK: the Manhattan School for Children had a grand opening for its Greenhouse, built on the school’s roof. This a public school on Manhattan’s West Side. CBS’s Russ Mitchell officiated, there were local council people, and Broadway star Brian D’Arcy James of “Times Stand Still” and “Shrek.” Sam Robards--son of Lauren Bacall and Jason Robards–and his beautiful wife Sidsel were among those who helped raise around $800,000 over the last few years.  Lauren Bacall, held court and met everyone. Bacall is just finishing her rehab from a fractured hip, but she’s walking like a pro and throwing around bon mots like crazy. You can’t keep a Hollywood legend down!”

well, children, that’s what you would call taking a load off.  happymayberry has been worriedmayberry for weeks, and now the bubbly’s in the fridge.

ps- you know, here’s the thing… that sam robards?  he gets the gold star.  he really does.  i’m not just talking doing things for charity.

(thank you, getty)

happy thanksgiving, everybody!

who the hell can count how many people have sent autograph requests, etc. to Ms. B’s place, only to have her graciously sign them and send them back.

well, here’s an idea: how ’bout sending her a thinking-of-you kind of card… not asking for anything, just to send the love back her way. 

yeah.

well, by now i think we’ve ascertained that i was born forty years too late.  it’s not like i sit on my porch and throw prunes at the whippersnappin’ forty-year-old youngsters who pass by, but close.

for your autumn enjoyment, might i suggest a harmonic, hypnotic drug in the form of The McGuire Sisters Anthology.  50 songs recorded between ’52 and ’65.  their rendition of “Around the World” is divine, i tell you, divine.

here’s the list:

1. Miss You
2. Tell Us Where The Good Times Are
3. Goodnight, Sweetheart, Goodnight
4. Muskrat Ramble
5. Sincerely
6. No More
7. Melody Of Love
8. It May Sound Silly
9. Something’s Got To Give
10. Heart
11. Sweet Song Of India
12. He
13. ‘S Wonderful
14. Mississippi Mud
15. Tip Toe Through The Tulips With Me
16. All By Myself
17. Do You Remember When?
18. Ev’ry Day Of My Life
19. Weary Blues
20. Delilah Jones
21. Picnic
22. Goodnight My Love (Pleasant Dreams)
23. All I Do Is Dream Of You
24. Love Is Here To Stay
25. Tenderly
26. Moonglow
27. Don’t Take Your Love From Me
28. Around The World
29. Sugartime
30. Summer Dreams
31. Ding Dong
32. Volare (Nel Blu, Dipinto Di Blu)
33. May You Always
34. Red River Valley
35. True Love
36. Always
37. Love And Marriage
38. The Blue Room
39. Makin’ Whoopee
40. Just For Old Time’s Sake
41. Wouldnt’ It be Lovely
42. Teach Me Tonight
43. I Really Don’t Want To Know
44. Bye Bye Blackbird
45. The Birth Of The Blues
46. You’re Driving Me Crazy (What Did I Do)
47. Old Devil Moon
48. I’m Just Taking My Time
49. Nevertheless (I’m In Love With You)
50. My Heart Cries For You

the best part? she may not have a computer.  thank god.

=====================

The Show Goes On

Legend Lauren Bacall on Life, Acting, and Bogie

BY SUSAN CANTRELL • PHOTOS BY WILLIAM ROSE + CORBIS

Lauren Bacall, 84, is as powerful in person as she is on screen. On a February afternoon, her presence fills the suite she occupies, which happens to be at Carmel’s Cypress Inn. She is resting between calls for a movie she is filming, “Carmel.”

It is stunning to be in the presence of this strong woman with the velvety voice. “Sit down, please,” she commands, as her assistants exit. She is draped across the couch like a queen, with an exquisite butterfly-eared Papillion, Sophie, at her feet. “She’s so smart,” she says, showering the pooch with terms of endearment.

Bacall exudes elegance, while wearing a loose black sweater, slacks and socks—no shoes. She is resting the leg she injured in 1970 after falling on stage and tearing her cartilage. “It’s giving me trouble but I never missed a performance anywhere in the world.”

“The show must go on” seems to reflect her life on and off stage. “Oh, the glamour of my profession: a fallen arch from being on stage doing all those musicals all those years. But I loved being on stage. It was the only time in my life I felt appreciated.”

She adds, “I’m grateful for any crumb they throw me now in the movies. I’m dead as far as they’re concerned.”

Au contraire! White blonde waves framing her unblemished face, this iconic beauty is just as astounding as she has ever been. Liberal with her curse words, she launches in on Bogie (former husband, actor Humphrey Bogart), women, the degradation of America, and movies versus theater.

“I always speak my mind,” she says, gesturing with a large gold watch and chain bracelet dangling from her wrist.

Q: You do sexy with dignity so well. How do you pull it off?

A: I have no idea. [Chuckles] I think I’ve forgotten how, it was so long ago.

Q:You have recently lost some very dear friends. How do you cope with loss?

A: I coped from age 18 when I lost my grandmother. I was married to Bogie who was 25 years my senior, so all of our friends were more his age. After losing him, I suddenly became aware of people’s health and losing them. I spent a lot of life being aware of death. It becomes a less cheerful subject the older I get.

Q: Are you religious or spiritual?

A: [Wistfully] No, I’m afraid not. I didn’t grow up that way. Although I’m Jewish and so there’s no way, really, not to be…I wouldn’t turn to church to console me, although I’ve been friendly with the Kennedy family for years and years and with all the tragedies in that family, thank heaven they had that religion. Who cares how you get it?

Q: You say you live alone now. How alone?

A: It’s just Sophie and me. I am fortunate to have children and grandchildren.

Q: And your memories of Bogie?

A: I’m so lucky to have married Bogie and to have had such a fantastic relationship, even if it was so short [14 years]…I was headstrong and he was patient and so loving and funny and witty, my God! A man of honor and integrity and he lived his life by the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. And, by golly, if anyone lied to him, they were out. Most of the time I was in awe of him; he was the most incredible man who walked on earth…

Q: Sounds like you and Bogie did “have it all.”

A:Yes, we did.

Q: Any other memories?

A: I’ll haveTV on and suddenly hear a familiar voice. I watch [ portions of ] “Casablanca” every time it comes on. When I see a certain scene it reminds me of a part of my life…I realize more every day how fortunate I was to have what I had. Bogie didn’t live long enough to know his children or for them to know him…The great thing about our marriage is whenever he wanted to teach me, he said, ‘Long after I’m gone you’ll remember me.’ And he’s become this incredible icon.

Q: Like you.

A: I’m not an icon. I can tell you my obit will only talk about him.

Q: How do you become inspired and unwind?

A: I have a hard time relaxing. There’s so much stress everywhere. The world has changed so much and I find the behavior of people has changed so much. There are no manners, no grace. I guess TV has a lot to do with it: that the standards have lowered and people don’t read books anymore. I wrote three books—all in longhand. I don’t understand the computer scene but I am trying to learn it from my iPhone. It’s fairly hopeless.

Q: So you still need to earn a living?

A: I have to work, absolutely…The motion picture business is depressing for a woman. Once you pass 25 or 28 they don’t care, they’re just hitting the flavor of the month.

Q: When did you finally claim your feminine power?

A: I was brought up with a work ethic. It never occurred to me to go to college—we couldn’t afford it. So I decided to be an actress and my mother supported me every bit of the way. My father was a horrible man who skipped town and couldn’t be found by anyone anyway…Mother was born in Romania. She worked as an executive secretary and I always was aware of the value of women and the power of women. It was the work and drive of my mother…for me to act.

Q: How about men?

A: I began to feel the power of women in the theater. We had great leading roles in big shows. That, I thought, was pretty damn good…I realized women could do anything a man could do. And so I always voiced my opinion…I found men so damned boring…

Q: What female star do you most admire?

A: Bette Davis was my heroine. When I was 12 or 13 I could imitate her. I’d cut school and sneak into the movie theater because I couldn’t afford a ticket. Every waking hour, and in my sleep, I wanted to become like her.

Q: What other actors do you admire?

A: There are very few actresses that I would raise my eyes to…Once you’ve grown up and been exposed to James Stewart, Spencer Tracy, Katie Hepburn, Barbara Stanwyck, you say, ‘Excuse me? Why would you want to deal with what’s hanging around now?’

Q: So, when you do relax, you like the ocean?

A: I could be a beach bum so easily.

Q: We’ve talked for nearly three hours. Would you like to add anything?

A: [Smiling, eyebrows arched] Well, that’s all there is. That’s all of me.

- end-

picture quality illustrates how hard i was laughing when i took this.  oh, and that my cell phone is from the stone age.  that, too. 

thanks to the atlantic, we find out that ohio republican congressional candidate rich iott whiles away his weekends by dressing up as an SS officer. 

no, really.

he claims he does this to teach his kid about history.

not so much.

you check a book out at the library, you watch educational films and tv shows, you go to a museum, you visit a death camp and take a deep breath.  you do anything except this beyond-the-pale crap.

dude gets the Tenant of the Century award, cause it looks like this now:

psst! hey, buddy…  

you say you’re sick of ramen in the morning, ramen in the evening, ramen at suppertime?

you say you have accounts of the unsavory persuasion that you need to settle, but have no, no dinero?

you say pimping out your grandmama is your proudest achievement, but you want to top it?

well, UnHappy Mayberry is here to give you the scoop on cashing in on caca: just whip up a sleazy batch of primordial soup du bullshit about a person who can’t defend themselves, and call it a book.  c’mon, join the fun! everyone’s doing it!

STEP1: pick a deceased celebrity, any deceased celebrity (they tend to be the quietest.  this cuts down on the odds of being smacked with one of those silly slander suits).

STEP2: pick the topography of the low road you want to drag your celebrity’s name and memory down.  sex is always good because, yes! you guessed it! sex sells.  VERY good.  salacious wins the race.

STEP3:  roll the dice, spin a needle, pin a tail on a numerical donkey or whatever, to come up with the number of people (or livestock, if you want to spice things up) that your celebrity has bedded.  make it sensational, spectacular, and unbelievable! make it a nice, round, jiggly number with a flock of zeros in it. 

STEP4: flip through a movie encyclopedia and find the names of some of your celebrity’s acquaintances (alleged is fine) and co-stars.  make sure they are dead, so that you can make up the content of imaginary interviews with them.  this streamlines the writing process and greases the slide.

STEP5: track down earlier books written on your celebrity that have the same tone that you seek for your own pulp fiction, then cut, paste, and massage into your own sellable creation.  and, hey, if YOU’RE the one who wrote the previous book also, well, what a brilliant shortcut!  now THAT’S thinkin’!

STEP6: the holy grail of this kind of fine publishing is a photo of yourself in the same room as your celebrity.  the fictional storyline possibilities are ENDLESS if you have one of these, and you don’t have to be mentally balanced to succeed in your storytelling as long as you have such a photo.  in fact, I can think of a desperate and delusional woman who had massive fictional publishing success (not really.  ok, not at all) based on a photo and her job title.

and if you don’t have such a photo, well, that’s what photoshop is for.

STEP7: upon release of your book, you may encounter annoying individuals (peasants!) who insist on questioning you on the validity of your masterpiece. you MUST envision yourself wrapped in a luxurious teflon shroud at all times, like this:

“where are the tapes of these startling interviews you’ve conducted”  (lost in a flood.  make it 40 days and 40 nights so they feel sorry for you.  oh, and in north dakota, too).  “are there any LIVING individuals who can corroborate your story?” (gosh.  bad timing,  they all seem to be dead.  oh, wait!  the friend of the cousin of the dry cleaner for the chauffeur of my celebrity will talk… but he has dementia. bummer.)

AND HERE ARE THE CARDINAL RULES TO ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND (have them tattooed to your forehead for easy reading):

RULE1: do NOT concern yourself with the pesky abstracts of fact and truth.  the pursuit of those is for small-minded people.

RULE2: do NOT let yourself feel guilt over the emotional damage that your book will inflict on your celebrity’s spouse, children, and grandchildren.  money trumps all.

RULE3: take your vacations in Death Valley or the Sahara, to accustom yourself to the burn of scalding climates.  You’ll be spending A LOT of time in one when you yourself pass on.

Happy fabricating!

and what do you give the woman who has almost everything?

exactly.  screencaps are the gifts that keep giving.

yes, there’s joy in obscure details for dorks like us, so here’s another:

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2010
(all times Eastern)
6:00 am Confidential Agent (1945)  you have to wade through charles boyer, but hey.
8:00 am Dark Passage (1947)  how much do i love this film?   well…
10:00 am Blood Alley (1955)  you have to wade through john wayne, but hey.
12:00 pm The Cobweb (1955)  i believe they would call this one “offbeat,” and oh, what lovely colors.
2:30 pm Key Largo (1948)  awww… that scene on the step.  awww.
4:30 pm Designing Woman (1957)  great, great, movie.  yet i never really enjoy it.  (exactly.  what do you call that?)
6:45 pm Private Screenings w/Ms. B (2005)  cameo by miss sophie.
8:00 pm To Have and Have Not (1944)  my eternal question:  what were they whispering to each other in that back shot of them at the bar?
10:00 pm Young Man With a Horn (1950)  come up and see my etchings, she said to the young lady.
12:00 am Bright Leaf (1950)  ms. b is good.  even in scratchy dresses.
2:00 am The Big Sleep (1946)  just what the hell is going on here?
4:00 am Sex and the Single Girl (1964)  besides the scenes with ms. b, i fall asleep every time i try to watch this all the way through.  thank god for fast forward.

-fin-

“The glamorous and iconic actress Lauren Bacall has been felled with a broken hip. She is at the Jewish Home, 120 West 106 Street in New York having rehab. She will be back in her Dakota apartment on August 5 and we wish her a speedy recovery. She hasn’t been lonely while learning to walk again because her companion through the whole ordeal has been her pal little “Sophie,” her wonder-dog.”

yes… speedy recovery, good care, and that adorkable sophie’s magic powers.

(but my ones of the first floor seem to have dissolved into the ether).

pics 3-6 are of the room the Bacall-Bogarts spent their honeymoon in (or so the ranger lady in khaki cargo shorts and sensible shoes told me).

these were taken many moons ago, but i still remember forgetting to breathe when i walked into that room.  felt like i shouldn’t be there, and yet that i should.

(all photos copyright happymayberry.  don’t make me run you down in my old age.) 

from reuters:

Humphrey Bogart hits Blu-ray this October

Good news for classic film fans. Humphrey Bogart gets a huge Blu-ray push this fall when Warner Home Video releases classics “The Maltese Falcon” and “The Treasure of Sierra Madre” on the format for the very first time.

At the same time, the studio also is releasing “Humphrey Borgart: The Essential Collection,” which presents 24 Bogart movies on 12 discs.

The bonus features on “Falcon” and “Sierra Madre” are pretty much the same as they were for their snazzy DVD editions, but those were quite extensive, seeing as they got a three-disc treatment at the time.

The real highlight just might be the deep Bogart collection. The actor has been the subject of several compilations — “Bogie and Bacall” presented four of his movies with Lauren Bacall and there were several “Humphrey Bogart: The Signature Collection” volumes — but there’s been nothing like this.

“Essential Collection” contains “The Petrified Forest” (1936), “Black Legion” (1937), “Kid Galahad” (1937), “Marked Woman” (1937), “San Quentin” (1937), “The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse” (1938), “Dark Victory” (1939), “The Roaring Twenties” (1939), “Invisible Stripes” (1939), “Brother Orchid” (1940), “They Drive by Night” (1940), “Virginia City” (1940), “All Through the Night” (1941), “High Sierra” (1941), “The Maltese Falcon” (1941), “Casablanca” (1942), “Across the Pacific” (1942), “Action in the North Atlantic” (1943), “Passage to Marseille” (1944), “To Have and Have Not” (1944), “The Big Sleep” (1946), “Dark Passage” (1947), “Key Largo” (1948), and “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” (1948). There’s also a documentary on Warner Bros., “The Brothers Warner.”

The collection also comes with a photo-book (a Warners Home Video standard on these things) in addition to fifteen photo cards plus archival studio correspondence, like a telegram from Bogart to producer Hal Wallsi requesting the lead in “High Sierra.”

Bogie hits Blu-ray October 5. That same time, TCM will also play a slew of his movies on TV.  -END-

(shame it stops at 1948 for some reason, but hey).

Gather ’round the newsstand, peeps.  Miss Elizabeth Taylor is sharing some of the love letters written to her by Richard Burton.  The July issue of Vanity Fair includes excerpts from a book on the two, dubbing their thing ”The Romance of the Century” (debatable, but hey).

I’m not going to give it away, but, damn… timing really IS everything.

the last of the Merc-buyers have been checking out of this mortal coil, so Ford is going to put the brand to bed and focus on other things.

for old times’ sake… their finest innovation… sequential tails on the Cougar:

a nod to the Greatest Generation, without whom ol’ Stars and Stripes wouldn’t be the flag flying over the White House today.

i checked it out.  and assuming y’all are talking about the second person who appears…

no, children, it is not her.  no more than it is her impersonating herself on twitter.

anyway, here ’tis.

cheers to a bond that transcends the constructs of time and physicality.

this year, our celebration will involve champagne, shrimp and pistachio ice cream.

may yours be delicious, too.

my wife’s mistress, the Weber Spirit 320… strong, beautiful, and hot. 
(oh, great).: 

Well, we finally outgrew our old blue Weber Genesis workhorse a couple of months ago, and decided to let it go.  Happily, we adopted it out to friends who have hankerings for salmon and smores, so it should have a long and interesting life ahead of it on its new patio.

We shopped around ad nauseum, keeping our minds open to other brands.  It had been years since we bought our Genesis, and we assumed that the non-Weber brands must have stepped up their game in that time.  not so much. We kicked every wheel and checked under every hood from Lowe’s to Home Depot.  What we discovered:  there’s a lot of crap out there lurking under fancy names and colors.

I lifted what, from a distance, looked like a stainless steel side burner lid on a certain ubiquitous brand, and it came off in my hand.   Upon closer inspection, I surmised it was made of tin that was coated in silver spray paint (which scratched off easily).

We wanted a grill that was enclosed underneath (that excludes at least half of them) and found that the sturdiness of the steel panels and doors on the Webers far surpassed other brands.

Once we committed our hearts and minds to Weber, we had to choose between the Summit, Genesis and Spirit.  The Summit and Genesis are great if you need to cook a hundred burgers at a time, but we’re not those peeps.  We ended up  going  with the Spirit, which has a primary cooking area of 424 sq. inches (plus a 112 sq. inch warming rack) which gained us about 150 sq. inches over our old grill.   The side burner and the stainless steel finish we chose are options over the standard black/no-side-burner model.

Home Depot had what we wanted for $50 off plus free shipping, so we went with them.  I bought it on their website, and it took a handful of days altogether to get to our doorstep.  I assembled it by myself in about 3 hours, including knocking down the boxes and packaging, which is half the battle.  The instructions show two men lifting the cookbox assembly into the base frame, but they’re unnecessary.

I was immediately glad we had stuck with the Weber brand.  Assembling a Weber is probably not unlike assembling a Mercedes, what with the sturdiness of the parts and the precise way they fit together.

Cast iron grates with warming rack above and five flavorizer bars below.  The warming rack makes killer smoky toast.:

3 stainless steel burners control 36,000 BTU-per-hour spread over the flavorizer bars.  I have been told that this allows the chef to create the cooking temperature zones she desires, and that is good.:

with the push of a button, the electronic crossover ignition gives immediate, reliable start-ups.  the ticking sound is kinda cool, too.:

12,000 BTU-per-hour side burner with its own ignition button and control. great for cooking beans or keeping sauces warm without having to run back and forth between the kitchen and the patio.:

we got the optional light (mounted to center of handle) for those midnight cookouts.:

the stainless steel gets with the magnets on a timer or towel clip.:

The belowdecks area is enclosed.  The large catch tray slides out for cleaning, and the drip pan lifts out easily.  enough room for storage, too.:

cliché, but true… protect your investment. Skip the cheap covers (you’ll end up having to buy one every year) and get a Weber brand cover.  Sturdy and fits like a glove (the Spirit is a 53-incher).:

A few tips on assembling these babies:

1) Lay a light towel or t-shirt on the floor and unpack the hardware pack onto it, so you can see what you have to work with and keep the little parts in sight.

2) If you get the cast iron grates (as opposed to the porcelain enameled) they are damn heavy.  Don’t prop them up while you’re assembling the grill anywhere that kitties or your feet can get smooshed if they flop.

3) Lock the locking casters as soon as you have them set into the frame and the frame upright.  This helps to keep the grill from running away while you’re working on it.  Especially alone.

4) The J clips that clip onto the bottom tray make a definite “click” when  they’re clipped on correctly.  Listen for it.  That sound is your friend.

5) When lifting the cookbox into the frame, be especially careful of the burner assembly and the wires/hoses that are attached to it.

6) The large rubber “gaskets” that encircle the burner elements have to be seated exactly like they are shown in step 10b.  Check it twice.

7) There’s a plastic finger wrench included in the hardware pack that makes tightening bolts from a supine position much easier.

8) The doors are adjustable by taking a wrench to the bottom hinges they’re seated on.  Wait until you’re complete to do this.

9) I spent time looking for my clevis pin and cotter pin when I was initially matching up the hardware packet contents to the assembly list.  Come to find out, they were already installed in place on the shroud for me.  If you can’t find a piece of hardware, check to see if they’ve already installed it for you.

10) The crossover ignition button has a battery (included) that gets set into it.  Unscrew the button casing, remove the plastic wrap from the battery, drop it in positive side down, then screw the button back on.

11) Take your time on step 23c and 23d.  The side burner orifice must be aligned precisely, and you may have to unbolt the intake pipe to tilt it down so you can do so.

12) The UPS guy said the shipping weight was 165 pounds, and UPS isn’t supposed to bring anything further than your driveway, so prepare for that.  i had to open the box on the driveway and bring each piece into the house, where i assembled it.

short story long, it’s absolutely worth the extra cha-ching you’ll have to part with to get a Weber grill.  these things are so much greater than the sum of their parts. 

happy savoring!

 “Lauren Bacall, the legend of stage and screen and widow of Humphrey Bogart, is soon to undergo knee replacement surgery.”

 of course, these are the same peeps who said:

 “…the Ambassador East in Chicago — where Humphrey Bogart married Lauren Bacall.”

two states over and hang a right, my little farm animals.

but, I do believe Applause took a few decades off her knee’s life, so we will sit quietly on our mats and think healing thoughts.

48 songs by Miss Doris Day for just $5.99?  well, that’s just crazy talk.  but then crazy Apple must be.  Itunes has the Doris Day Ultimate Collection vol. 1 on sale for… well… a song.  (vol. 2 for $17.99 has “Too Marvelous for Words” and “The Very Thought of You,” so they’ll get back my cha-ching on that one, but hey).

here’s the line-up for vol. 1.  enjoy!:

Are You Glad You’re You?           

With a Song In My Heart (from ‘Young Man With A Horn’)

Cuddle Up a Little Closer (from ‘On Moonlight Bay)

Powder Your Face With Sunshine

Let’s Walk That-A-Way

Ready, Willing and Able (from ‘Young at Heart’)

Just Blew In from the Windy City (from Calamity Jane)

The Black Hills of Dakota (from ‘Calamity Jane’)

The Deadwood Stage

Till We Meet Again (from ‘On Moonlight Bay’)

A Very Precious Loe

My Love and Devotion

Runaway, Skidaddle, Skidoo (from’Tunnel Of Love’)

But Beautiful

Mean to Me (from ‘Love Me Or Leave Me’)

Tunnel of Love

Pillow Talk

You Do Something to Me (from ‘Starlift’)

The Way You Look Tonight

Our Day Will Come

In the Still of the Night

My Ship

Dream a Little Dream of Me

It Could Happen to You

At Last

It’s Easy to Remember

All I Do Is Dream of You

I’ll Remember April

Someday I’ll Find You

Can’t Help Falling In Love

On the Street Where You Live

People Will Say We’re In Love

I Love Paris

Night and Day

Cheek to Cheek

Pennies from Heaven

It Might As Well Be Spring

As Long As He Needs Me

They Say It’s Wonderful

Over the Rainbow

I’ve Grown Accustomed to His Face

Three Coins In the Fountain

I Have Dreamed

Hooray for Hollywood

Singin’ In the Rain

The Surrey With the Fringe On Top

A Wonderful Guy

The Sound of Music

a friend of my wife’s lent us this wonderful little movie called “Up” and we got to it this past weekend. 

we laughed.  we cried.  we marveled.

disney being disney, it’s — of course — male-centered, but peeps of all ages will get a nice something out of it.  enjoy.

ms. B came to ranchipur… er… dallas last week to have a chat, and d magazine posted the following account of the aftermath.  i edited it down a bit, but check out the whole enchilada (link at end) and read the comments at the bottom of their blog. the poor person who made the mistake of asking her to sign her book as “betty” once sounds so sweet.  and eternally haunted.  i think of her as betty, too, children, but some things are better left unsaid.

this may very well be the funniest thing i’ve read all year.  who else would swagger into texas and slam gw bush? and… no one there knew who Louis Bromfield was?  How does that happen? Not a soul there read By Myself? anyway… :

“Lauren Bacall Delivered “The Look” and the Goods at the Nasher Salon Series

(by Jeanne Prejean)

When Hollywood was legendary and the studio system was turning out the likes of Bette Davis, Marilyn Monroe, Clark Gable, and Cary Grant, a teenage Lauren Bacall was catapulted to film royalty thanks to her captivating looks, one-of-a-kind voice, sultry acting, and marriage to Humphrey Bogart, the leader of the infamous Holmby Hills Rat Pack.

Last Thursday she held court at the Nasher Sculpture Center as part of the Nasher Salon Series. Arriving for a lunch with a full room of guests, she surprisingly was upstaged by her companion — Sophie, an adorable and extremely well-manned Papillion.

Leave it to the Nasher folks to set the luncheon up perfectly. With B&W movies from Bacall’s past on two of the walls and framed pictures of the lady on each table, it almost made you wish you had brought your autograph book. One table of enthusiastic fans insisted on having their group photographed around the picture centerpiece.

But once she arrived and sat down, everyone controlled their enthusiasm and made it through lunch waiting for her discussion with Dallas Film Society Chairman of the Board Michael Cain.

Poor Michael was just a tad bit apprehensive about the chat. Seems that he had gone a couple of rounds with the sharp as a tack lady when she was in town a couple of years ago for the AFI Dallas International Film Fest. Like Harriet Hubbard, the lady suffers no fools.

With red carpet once again waiting at the curb, the black limousine pulled up and out came the girls. Sophie in her finest fur and Bacall with little if any makeup in black. No, she isn’t the teenage “Slim” from To Have and Have Not, but darn it if she doesn’t still have “The Look.” Graciously, she and Sophie posed for pictures with the VIP guests and chatted with each of them.

Then it was time to go downstairs for the talk. As she entered the room, the sellout crowd gave her a standing ovation. Or, rather, gave her and Sophie a standing O.

Michael once again girded his loins to interview Bacall. With cards in hand, his plan was to go through the questions in chronological order. That evidently didn’t fit Bacall’s plan. He had to reshuffle his cards. Then he asked about her romantic relationship with Bogart that started during the filming of To Have and Have Not.

Whoa!

The Look was not a happy one. She corrected Michael that she and Bogie did not have any type of romantic relationship during the filming of the movie: “He was married.”

Michael looked nervous.

He asked if it was true that for her first movie, Howard Hawks gave her a choice of either Cary Grant or Humphrey Bogart as her leading man.

She looked a bit shocked instructing Michael that she was not in a position to choose anything. . . “I was too scared.” Looking at Bacall now, it was hard to believe that she’d ever had a nervous Nellie moment.

Michael then asked about a string of her various “leading men” including Woody Harrelson. Mistake. . . big mistake!

“Take him out of that list! Woody Harrelson? That is a lulu,” she demanded. Later she diplomatically said she liked him (Woody), but …

At this point in the cat-and-mouse game, Michael was on the verge of tossing the cards and just letting nature takes its course. Instead he decided to simply forgo the chronological order and just chat. Wise decision. That is until he asked if it was true that Bette Davis was her role model.

Screech of brakes.

She questioned his use of the expression “role model.” After getting the definition of role model clear in her mind, she concluded, “I wanted to be Bette Davis (as an actress), but not live her life!. . . No one had what Better Davis had. She was surprising.”

In passing, Michael mentioned that guests might like to read her “book.” Like a schoolmarm correcting a student in front of class, she let him know the word should have been “books.”

At this point, Michael wisely decided to let the lady have her head and answer questions from the audience:

• On her recent Lifetime Achievement Oscar: “There’s so many awards. There are awards for breathing. But I figure, what the hell. If it’s for me, it can’t be that bad.”
• “Did she have a song with Humphrey Bogart? Bogie’s song was That Old Black Magic, but “he had no taste when it came to music.”
• On George W. Bush and current trends in art/writing/etc.: “I think people are affected by events and government. For eight years, we had a government that couldn’t even spell the word ‘art.’ There was no appreciation of the arts in those eight years. George W: one of the great brains of our age.”
• Is there somebody she would love to work with? “Unfortunately, most of them are dead.”
• She momentarily reflected on the days of the big studios. “It was the best time for quality movies. Solid, wonderful projects. … The standards were higher in those days. … Today stars run it, with the big salaries.”
• On the Australian actors: “The Australians have taken over. Cate Blanchett. Nicole. Hugh Jackman. I’m a groupie for Hugh Jackman.”  Like talking with old friends, she looked into the audience and asked if they had seen him in the The Boy From Oz. . . “You’ve got to see him in it!”
• She was astounded that no in the room knew who Louis Bromfield was.
• “I was once told, ‘Always be with people who know more than you.’ So what am I doing here?”

Then just as Michael was getting ready to close the evening’s program, one more question arose from the audience: “Next time you’re in Dallas, will you talk about Frank Sinatra?”

“The Look” froze. OMG, did the person not know the history behind Bacall and Sinatra? Well-read Photoplay and Walter Winchell devotees of the 50’s raised eyebrows and prepared for a Bacall bashing. Would Bacall order Sophie to tear the questioner’s throat out?

“Why would I want to talk about him?” she said with feathers obviously ruffled. Then she settled back in her chair and the “Look” changed to be like a Persian cat appearing to have just swallowed a very plump canary. “He was very good when he sang,” she purred.”

http://sweetcharity.dmagazine.com/2010/03/18/lauren-bacall-delivered-the-look-and-the-goods-at-the-nasher-salon-series/

(nerd note: i believe mr. and mrs. B were also fond of a little ditty called “mrs. me” by tony martin)

she will not be there.

according to the desert sun, she has come down with an illness and her  doctor says she shouldn’t travel (which she’s been doing alot of lately).

harry belafonte will be pinch hitting for her.  saw him in concert once, and i’m guessing he will do a wonderful job.

man, i hope she’s ok.  there are very few things i know for sure in this life, but one of them is that she wouldn’t have pulled out of this unless she really had to.

might be just as well. it’s hard to get around rancho mirage without bumping into frank sinasshat drive and, really, her one trip down that road was enough.

anyway, here’s a little happiness reminder to help:

from the AP:

NEWARK, N.J. — Six women in New Jersey are recovering after they received buttocks-enhancement injections containing silicone used to caulk bathtubs.

State health officials say the women, from Essex County, apparently underwent cosmetic procedures from unlicensed providers, The Star-Ledger of Newark reported.

Investigators have not determined if the cases are related.

No arrests have been made.

Instead of medical-grade silicone, the women received a diluted version of nonmedical-grade silicone.”

AP caption:
Lauren Bacall is presented the Governor’s Award during the 82nd Academy Awards Sunday, March 7, 2010, in the Hollywood section of Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill)

here’s the link to the presentation/acceptance of her oscar (yet another excellent huston-bacall collaboration).  notice how she walks right past her oscar to connect with ms. huston and give her a smooch.  priorities right in order.  she’s the real deal, people.:

http://www.oscars.org/video/watch/ga_2009_12_huston_bacall.html

my god, the today show has somehow ballooned into a daily 4-hour ordeal, comprised primarily of tourists waving signs in the background while fascinating topics such as the weather and high school sports are explored in detail. 

enter the frisky ms. bacall to smarten and liven the joint up.  in case your tivo was out to lunch and you missed it, here’s a recap (quotes may not be exact.  my memory, you know):

1) the interviewer told her she has a reputation for being blunt and speaking her mind, then asked her if that got her into trouble (um, lady, did you really think she would be apologetic for speaking her truth all of these years?  really?).  anyway, ms. b said “it pisses me off, actually, because if i were a guy and voiced my opinion, nobody would comment.”  aye!

2) about the phony red carpet rats asking after the designer of the dress and making with the mindless chatter: “so boring.”

3) more about her rep: she also said she’s not tough at all and that she’s never been tough.  notice the title of my blog? yes, “lauren bacall bogart is a sweetheart.”  how did i know ahead of time?  call it esp.

4) and she said she was glad she met sam’s father because he brought her back into the theater fold when she ditched l.a.

UPDATE:  i just remembered.  she also spoke of falling madly in love with mr. bogart.  jeepers!  this is so much a part of the fabric of my being, i just take it for granted when i hear it.

it’s always a three-ring circus over here.  have multiple cats?  you know what i mean. nothing like being woken up at 4 a.m. by someone hacking up a hairball on your comforter and having to jump up and grab it before someone else eats it…  or losing precious glass tchotchkes to midnight games of three-way tag…  or constantly fishing soggy fur mouse toys out of the water bowls where they were hiding their “prey” from each other.

one of our girls is half bengal, which means she’s in perpetual motion and always on the hunt for something to fascinate her.  our house is filled with cat trees and toys and yet…

so we got these cat cubes by sport pet at target — about ten bucks for two cubes.  they’re made of nylon stretched on a rigid frame (they pop open when you first liberate them from the box, so watch your peepers) and come in a number of colors depending on where you get them.  they have little nylon “ribbons” hanging from the ceiling of each cube which brings on unending wonderment.

you link the cubes together with velcro tabs that are included, so you can make an infinite chain of them if you like.    they’re also really lightweight, so if you’re having company over and need to clear things out, you can pick up the whole “train” of them with one hand and move them around easily.

a great deal for the entertainment value.  happy cattin’.

“my name is peep and i approve this message”

up to their teeth (and rising) in death and injury-related lawsuits, they just halted production and sales of eight of their vehicles that have accelerating minds of their own.  herbie the love bug this is not.

from the l.a. times:

“Toyota Motor Corp. has taken the unprecedented step of halting sales and production of eight models — including its top-selling Camry and Corolla — saying their gas pedals can get stuck and cause runaway acceleration.

Industry experts could not recall any time in recent history when a carmaker had stopped both production and sales of so many models at once. Tuesday’s move follows two recent recalls aimed at preventing Toyota-made vehicles from surging out of control, which has been blamed in at least 19 deaths and scores of injuries over the last decade, more than for all other automakers combined.”

full story here:

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-toyota-sales27-2010jan27,0,1635017.story

have i mentioned how much i love my wife?